My brother Tim was adopted. To look at the two of us, you wouldn’t have guessed that. In fact, though he was seven years younger, Mom would sometimes mix up our baby pictures. We had your typical sibling relationship – loved filled but able to fight like cats and dogs over nothing.
Tim passed away on August 23, 1995. He never met my daughter Amy though they are much alike – talented with art & music, loving to cook. Before he became ill with pneumonia (which took his life after battling other complications of an AIDS diagnosis), he told me this baby was a girl. Confirmation of this fact occurred after Tim’s death.
There are two strong images from Tim’s funeral that stand out for me. One is of his feather being placed in the casket by his partner. Tim was Sioux Indian. For us, it was an acknowledgement of his brave battle with an illness which (at that time) carried a death sentence as well as a way to honor his birth heritage. The second was of my Grandmother crying and saying she wasn’t sure what to do as she had never expected to outlive a grandchild. I spent the service holding hands with her as we celebrated his life and his joining with the saints that had gone before him.
So why share all of this?
First, a recent Huffington Post blog by Suzanne Braun Levine titled A Quilt For Charlie: Remembering My Brother Who Died Of AIDS helped me realize the importance of sharing our experiences and our stories. You will find Tim’s quilt in block 05308. It was lovingly made by my Mom and little sisters.
Having a family member diagnosed with HIV in the 80’s was terrifying. Tim wanted quality as well as quantity of life. The public perception of HIV brought panic and prejudice not only on the individual but sometimes on their family and friends. I was a lucky one with mostly supportive friends and coworkers surrounding me.
Second, I want, in the words of Noah’s Dad ( a status I read on the same day as Suzanne’s post), people to know:
ALL PEOPLE EVERYWHERE ARE WORTHY OF LIFE!!
We all touch people around us in good and sometimes bad ways. It is our responsibility to make a positive contribution as we are able. Tim was no exception. I treasure the pieces of art he left behind. They remind me of the talented man I had the privilege to call brother.
That is why I do what I do.
Where some might see a frail older person with little left to contribute to this world, I see a person with things to share even if only the squeeze of my hand or a tear in their eye. I know they have touched others. Usually they can still share their stories and their ability to love.
Where someone sees a child too small to make much of a difference, I see someone to remind me of the awe and wonder the world holds. Someone who explores things using as many senses as they can or are allowed.
Third, loss is a part of living. People we love die. We lose jobs, an ability, our health. We don’t get a part in a play or make a team. Loss brings grief. It is a normal human experience but one not to get lost in.
Sharing Tim’s story is part of acknowledging the loss and the grief. But it is also celebrating what he brought to my life. This beautiful piece of music speaks to many of my feelings.
Remember,
- You matter.
- You make an impact on those around you.
- We all leave a legacy.
- Loss and joy both are part of life.
- Grief is normal. If you feel stuck in it, seek out professional help.
Joann, Thank you for this beautiful post. I think it will touch a lot of people and it honors the memory of your brother. May his memory be a blessing to you.
Tim’s memory is a blessing, Allison. It is my hope this post will make a positive impact on many lives.
Incredibly touching, Joann, and beautifully written.
Thank Rachel.
Dear JoAnn, Thanks so much for sharing about Tim’s life and death. It will be help and comfort to many. It is so true that loss is part of life. Peace, Carolyn
There are still some who do not feel safe sharing about the circumstances around a family members death. I hope posts like this help them feel more open to doing so.
Thank you for posting this–I knew you guys made a block for Tim for the quilt, but I’d never seen it before (or knew where to look, for that matter). Do you know how to make the picture any bigger (it’s pretty tiny on the quilt Web site, too)?
Love & hugs,
I believe there are family members with photos before it was submitted, Mary. I’ll try to see if I can locate a better image. Hugs & Love to you, too!
JoAnn, thank you for sharing something so personal with such a meaningful message. What a wonderful way to honor your brother.
Much appreciate your taking the time to read and comment, Uriah.
Thank you, JoAnn, for these beautiful words honoring your brother. We all indeed have something special to offer the world.
The challenge is sometimes enabling people to feel they do have something special to offer.
JoAnn – thank you for sharing your family with us. I am sorry for your loss. And thanks for the reminder we all have something to give & share.
There is so much we all can share from cradle to grave.
What a beautiful remembrance and message, JoAnn. I used to volunteer for various HIV/AIDS organizations in the late 90s and this brought back a lot of bittersweet memories. Oh, the quilt–to this day it’s synonymous with those men and women we’ve lost to AIDS.
May Tim rest in peace :(.
It is powerful to see and to catch a glimpse of these people who lost their battle.
JoAnn,
This post is a lovely memorial to your brother and the value and beauty of his life. Your takeaway points are such important things to remember. Thank you for sharing.
Warmly,
Ann
My pleasure, Ann.
JoAnn, I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. I also volunteered with our local AIDS network and lost a few friends during that difficult time in the late 80s/early 90s, but I can’t even imagine losing a brother. I was also part of a committee to bring part of the quilt to our facility (for folks with disabilities), and we had a number of squares dedicated during that time (including one we had made for a co-worker). Thank you for sharing your story.
What a wonderful idea to share the quilt in the facility. Quilts can hold amazing memories even when they are not part of the AIDS quilt. We have lots of people who quilt in our area. When I was a Life Enrichment Coordinator, we had the residents share their quilts. Even the men brought out quilts made by their family members. There was a lot of great conversations around those quilts.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, JoAnn. I am so sorry for your family’s loss. I’m sure it still hurts even so many years later. I’m glad that your family has your brother’s art and the quilt to hold your brother’s memory.
The hurt has transformed to a hole – sometimes large, other times small. This past weekend I went through some family pictures with my Dad. I found a few to copy of Tim to add to my collection.
Dear JoAnn,
What a beautiful song! I had a little trouble distinguishing the words so I looked for the song on google and I found these lyrics:
I shall miss loving you
I shall miss the Comfort of your embrace
I shall miss the
Loneliness of waiting for the
calls that never came
I shall miss the Joy of your comings
and the Pain of your goings
and,
after a time,
I shall miss
missing
loving
you
I shall miss loving you
I shall miss the
Comfort and,
after a time
I shall miss
missing
loving
you*
I was particularly touched by the words “I shall miss the Joy of your comings and the Pain of your goings”. What a beautiful way to memorialize your brother’s life.
Warmly,
Andrea
http://andreabgoldberg.blogspot.com/2012/06/watershed-moments-in-fight-for-justice.html
The lyrics are beautiful! Thanks for sharing them.